And I Am Yet…

And I Am Yet

To Find That There Is More To Life Than Me And You.

I Am Yet To Learn That, Life Actually Does Go On.

And I Am Yet To Learn That, The Pain Gets Easier With Each Passing Time.

I Am Yet To Learn To Love Me Without Seeking Validation From You,

And I Am Yet To Learn,

There Is A Me After You.

To Whom It May Concern šŸ˜­

I Sometimes Wondered If I Was The One At Fault 

Every Word,Action,Smile…Was It All A Disguise? 

Recalling Everything, Was I A Resident At Dreamland?

Do I Say Sorry You Hurt Me? 

Do I Say Sorry You Lied?

Do I Say Sorry You Sold Me Dreams?

Whispered Sweet Nothings In My Ears?

Do I Say Sorry For The Times I Wept?

The Days You Left Me Standing At The Door? 

Do I Say Sorry For Trusting You?

For Believing In You?

Do I Say Sorry For Loving You? 

Do I Say Sorry For Defending You?

Was I At Fault? 

Was I Wrong? 

Was I Naive? 

Tell Me Something New

Tell Me You Lied

Tell Me You Never Loved 

Tell Me I Was Just A Pawn In Your Game Of Chess

Tell Me Everything New Beside 

“I Love You”

Tell Me Something New Beside 

“I Am Yours”

Erase Those Words From The Past And Write Words From The Present 

Tell Me Something New 

Should I Say Sorry For This?
To Whom It May Concern.

A Piece Of Me

Let me show you a piece of me …a piece of me you can’t handle, piece of me in the midst..
Ones who know say its dark nor its fallen from the ark. No one (Noah) showed me purity but no perfumes nor curfews would make me like you.

Let me Give you an ounce or a pound of how I got there with a sheep and a goat on a boat.

My journey began with everyday piercing my heart…It turned to a hole and nothing would stay as it grew colder.

Everytime I tried to avoid it, it was like there was a jist in the mist that i kept on misfiring on…I had to set my facts straight and be on that slate.

“A mind is a powerful thing, it can convince you to see things that are not there” True it got me lucified ,thoughts of a good life swelling and I was dwelling on the dark bars.

Temptation seemed lucrative but I faced agony head on, just like Moses who went to rescue the Israelites in Egypt with nothing but the knowledge that God was with him and would be with him throughout the journey,  I went to the world of the unknown with nothing but hope that my journey will not be in vain and that I’ll find the answers I was searching for but again like the letters that Moses wrote which we never got to see nor read , everything became a mystery.

I was like the prodigal son, who came back with nothing after he had left home to be on his own  with so much wealth,  I guess some things in life are better left off as they are.

Life Hannah who used to go to the temple to pour her heart out, that people started saying she had been drinking wine because every time she’d go to the temple,  her eyes would be filled with tears that people started thinking she was drinking
but what they didn’t know was that she was pouring her heart to her Master, asking just for one miracle, ,a son.

Although my story is a little different from Hannah’s,  my tears were those of deliverance,  I was not desperate for a son nor a miracle but all I needed were answers to the questions I had, but just like Moses who went with God to see the “Promise Land” (the land filled with milk and honey,  where streets were made of Gold and there was no pain and suffering ), he never came back and no one but God knows what happened to him and as much as there were never signs of a grave there were theories that God must’ve killed him but the God I believe in is not a killer .

So like Moses, I went to the “Promise Land” but I also never came back alive,  it was not my physical being that had died but my spiritual being that left and never left a mark. Was it love? Or just another feeling one tends to have?

I can’t answer all these questions I have for I don’t have any of the answers but I’ll keep questioning with hopes that one day I’ll finally find all that I need to and maybe my mind and heart will finally be at ease.

I wonder how long will this journey of searching be and where will it take me and if I’ll love what I find when I get there, the mind is a powerful thing,  it makes you believe things that aren’t there and the heart is a powerful,  it makes you feel things that are not there but what about the eyes? They make us see things, which is better, being deaf or being blind?  Which one would I choose?  I’d choose them all for I don’t wanna be deaf nor blind because I’d love to see just as I’d love to hear but now I’m just a lost soul that needs to be found not. 

Behind The Steel BarsĀ 

I stand behind these steel bars and Count

Count the days when my life was nothing but a Disney movie

When every laughter was genuine and every smile was true.
I stand behind these steel bars and dream

Dream about the days when tears never resided in my cheeks

When my heart wasn’t this heavy and when I was just so young.
I stand behind these steel bars and wish
Wish upon the stars and everything above

Wish for the redemption of my soul but all I really wish for is a love so true.
I stand behind these steel bars and weep
Weep for the days when I was victimized, victimized by my own flesh and blood

The day I saw my life flash in front of me

I was lost, lost in the presence of a heartless bastard but needed to be found not

For if they found me I knew I wasn’t going to be the same.
I stand behind these steel bars and hide
Hide from the comments of this world and its cruelty

I sometimes catch myself with a razor in my Hand just to convert my emotional pain to physical pain

But All my efforts seem to be in vain

I am afraid of pain but ironically I seem to find pleasure in the feeling my razor brings

I am scared of blood but ironically I enjoy the sight of it
I stand behind these steel bars and live
Live while I die inside

Never call me a poet for I don’t know what that is

I’m just a girl who writes words and call them poems.

I stand behind these steel bars and die,die a little more.

FORGIVENESSĀ 

I Found Myself Stuck In A World Of What’s Right And Wrong And I Couldn’t Bring Myself To The Fact That Forgiveness Was The Right Thing To Do,It Felt Wrong.

It Is Quite Harder To Forgive Someone Who Has Done You Wrong Or Someone You Love But It Is More Harder To Forgive Someone Who Shows No Remorse For What He Or She Has Done.

Yes We All Make Mistakes But We Seek Forgiveness Because It Is The Right Thing To Do, Or At Least We Think So But To Someone Who Has No Conscious, Forgiveness Is Just Another Word Used To Seek Attention.

I Had To Forgive People Who Weren’t Sorry And I Had To Accept Apologies I Never Received Because Forgiveness Is The Right Thing To Do And It Is Only Then Did I Receive Peace Of Mind And Finally Free And It Was Till Then That I Realised I Was The One Who Hindered My Progress By Being  Angry Towards People Who Had No Care.

Forgetting Mighty Be Hard But The First Step To Healing Is By Forgiving. 

Untitled

I caught myself between life and death, was it hurt or disappointment or just another random feeling that one feels when such things occur?
Trying to hold myself not to feel anything but truth is, reality was too real and every feeling demanded to be felt. I am not really sure what’s what but sometimes they say it’s better not knowing and as they also say that the truth sets the mind at ease, sometimes I find that rather untrue.

I don’t know exactly how to feel, what I feel, what to think and how to think and I also don’t really know what to accept and let go of…you know that feeling when you want to close your eyes and just shut off your brain, so you won’t think,Feel or even breathe but whenever your eyes close ,everything just comes like a volcano and destroys every attempt of not wanting to feel then you find yourself back to square one, redefining things that aren’t clear, trying to solve every equation as if you’re some mathematician.

It is really hard to choose between a heart and a mind, your mind wants this and says that and your heart on the other keeps reminding you of everything it once felt and then you just sit there , like a homeless person who doesn’t know where their next meal will come from and where they’re going to sleep next.

Like a child saying words that only he can understand, I became lost in the world of the wonders, finding pieces of a puzzle that has been complicated the day I set my eyes to life.

While others were busy sleeping off, having an epic journey at dreamland, I was busy fighting a battle of whether to live or not and at that instant moment, I could hear my thoughts speaking their language “let it go Kuhle, let it go” and as I tried to entertain these confusing thoughts of mine I could literally feel my heart drifting away from me, denying my existence in me, abandoning me and rejecting me and I knew, I was done for but you know what they say about second chances, so sometimes you just have to take as you’re given, be it lies, truth, love, hate or even rejection, just accept.

God never changed Jesus so who am I to think I can change a person? A person I never created, who am I to think such ? As I walk this journey, with nothing but uncertainty, I found myself at a need for help. Nothing made sense no more, everything was just blurry and my ears were becoming deaf as they could, every conversation seemed false and every thing became foreign, I was lost but needed to be found not.

I was a lost soul, just like a chick looking for its mother and a mother looking for its chick, the searching never gets old and maybe at the end we finally find what we’re searching for.

Even after, Do we get satisfied by the results we get or we just settle for the results? Life brings forth so many questions that I have no answers for and no matter how many times I go to this searching journey, My efforts are all in vain at the end and I end up being left with more question marks than full stops and then I realise, I have to let go but does that make me a loser or what?

SuffocatingĀ 

I Need A Couple Of Blunts, I Need Not To Give A Damn

I Need To Forget That They’re Hating

I Need To Forget That I’m Failing, I’m Needing My Confidence Up

So I’m Choffing It Up Till The Stress Is A Memory

Hardly Remembering Anything

Then I Wake Up And These Problems Come Flying Right Back To Me

And It Hits Me That Pain Demands To Be Felt

But Now I Can’t No More

Not Being Able To Know If You’re Coming And Going

When Every Part Of Your Body Is Aching

When Tears No Longer Surprise You Because They’re Your Daily Hobby

When It Hurts Even To Breathe And All You Have To Do Is Just Wish That Today Is Your Final Day

Because You Can’t Take It Anymore

You Hide Your Tears To People But When You’re Alone

You Try Fighting Your Pain But It’s Never Easy

And At The End, It Always Wins

Then You Realize, You’re Suffocating.